There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
