i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i think my cat just said my name.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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