You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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