70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
