Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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