im drinking this country out of the recession.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
People in love make me want to vomit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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