I wish I could teleport
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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