Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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