we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
