If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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