im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
