My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
