New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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