I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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