Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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