Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
