worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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