why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I got her a Nickelback box set.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
