i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
