my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
