just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
