i'm signing you up for texting rehab
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
