Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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