maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
