I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
