I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
