it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
