Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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