I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
