When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
