Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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