i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
