I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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