Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
