you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Even my vagina gasped.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Drunk is a universal language darling
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
