I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
