did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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