Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
