Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
