so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
