Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
