Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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