apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
