I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
