If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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