Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
