boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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