Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
