Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
