did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
